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- Permaculture Design
- What is Permaculture?
- Diploma>
- Output 1 Making room for new beginnings; creating conscious space for good design>
- Output 2 Beginning the Design Process; Observing and interacting>
- Output 3 Stacking functions>
- Our current living space; Alex`s house and garden>
- Pete`s house; Turning a monster into an ally!
- Integrating permaculture design into my work place>
- Forest gardening at Margam Park...
- Raising Seth - supporting my son`s journey>
- Extracts from learning journal
- Process reflection
- Appendix
- Appendix ll. Tutor & Peer review
- Output 4 Small and slow solutions>
- Our current living space; Alex`s house and garden>
- Pete`s house; turning a monster into an ally!
- Integrating Permaculture design into my work place
- Forest gardening at Margam Park
- Raising Seth; Supporting our son`s journey.
- Getting to grips with technology!
- Extracts from learning Journal
- Process reflection
- Output 5, Accept and respond to feedback>
- Output 6
- Output 7
- Output 8
- Output 9
- Output 10
- Completed Designs>
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Prelude to Life Review
The Polecat, one of my totem animals
Aims and Objectives
The following life review essay aims to provide an opportunity to recount my journey through life so far, how I got to where I am today and what directional choices I may consider next. I intend to engage in reflective observation from a non-judgemental place and recognise both positive and negative learning patterns that may have accelerated or delayed my learning pathway to date.
From birth until the present, I refresh my memory of the pathway that has moulded and shaped me so far. In so doing, I attempt to maximise growth potential through articulation of my current learning and unlearning needs, identifying my fertile edges. I will ask my sacred questions, identify the influential experiences of true and powerful meaning in my life so far and how they may have shaped me. I look at the decisions that have led me to where I am today and also take the opportunity to learn from what has been challenging, as well as celebrate achievements. Such stock taking and reflection is a prerequisite to designing my action learning pathway, clearing the way for a natural and productive journey through my diploma in permaculture design and so creating conscious space for decision making.
Preamble; Facing my Demons with a smile
The Adder, another of my influential totem animals.
Here shortly begins my life review, an exercise that I have found to be a struggle. I began it in earnest almost immediately following my diploma induction. I then reached an intensely thought provoking period for me in the review process and left it alone for over a month.
Like others before me, I too am now able to trust in a deep-rooted and intrinsic benevolence that is innermost among us all as humans, far deeper within us than that which our past (that which we remember) has shaped us to be influenced by. Namely; egotism, pride and judgement. That is why I have also made the choice to expose myself to such perceived vulnerability by recording such personal content in the life review that follows.
I have struggled with the perception that the life review is emotional exhibitionism, and have procrastinated and avoided its completion until a week before the deadline for submission. This apparent struggle has been a blessing in disguise, and I am pleased to have completed the review. The process has brought about much thought and reflection, and brought me in contact with many of my personal “edges”. Such reflection is indeed of great value and is both meaningful and worthwhile on so many levels. I now feel that I am a stage closer to moving forward and taking steps to make positive, effective and productive advancement in my life’s journey, and in so doing also enrich the lives of those around me.
Like others before me, I too am now able to trust in a deep-rooted and intrinsic benevolence that is innermost among us all as humans, far deeper within us than that which our past (that which we remember) has shaped us to be influenced by. Namely; egotism, pride and judgement. That is why I have also made the choice to expose myself to such perceived vulnerability by recording such personal content in the life review that follows.
I have struggled with the perception that the life review is emotional exhibitionism, and have procrastinated and avoided its completion until a week before the deadline for submission. This apparent struggle has been a blessing in disguise, and I am pleased to have completed the review. The process has brought about much thought and reflection, and brought me in contact with many of my personal “edges”. Such reflection is indeed of great value and is both meaningful and worthwhile on so many levels. I now feel that I am a stage closer to moving forward and taking steps to make positive, effective and productive advancement in my life’s journey, and in so doing also enrich the lives of those around me.
Life Review
word count (not including quotations) 4,871
Me, rather a long time ago!
Early life. What went well, what was challenging.
"Grown men can learn from very little children, for the hearts of the little children are pure. Therefore, the Great Spirit may show them many things which the older people miss."
- Black Elk
“Children still have room in their heads to retain their own observations and experiences of natural cycles. These memories will stay with them for their whole lives. My childhood experiences have helped me always to come back from the wrong path and find a natural life in harmony with nature. If you isolate children from nature, cut them off from their roots in a manner of speaking, they will not understand causal relationships and cycles within nature. As they have no roots, they will find it harder to handle problems……….The desire to discover nature exists in every child, if the parents do not educate it out of them or forbid them to go any further into it’s secrets.”
- Sepp Holzer
.
My father in a temple in Malaysia holding a snake
On the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month of 1968, in a cottage hospital in Hampshire, the relative calm of the two-minute silence of Armistice Day was broken by the cry of a baby. I came in to the world and began life’s journey.
From as far back as I can remember, I have always been drawn to and fascinated by nature. Whilst very young and not of an age to be permitted to wander alone looking at nature itself, I would spend hour after hour drawing imaginary and panoramic habitat scenes and fill them with sketched interpretations of a diversity of animal and plant species. Amphibians and reptiles in particular held my attention, I read about them, spoke and asked constantly about them, sketched them and would sit transfixed from beginning to end of any episodes of “survival”, “The World About Us” or any of the David Attenborough television programmes. Although pretty much anything to do with wildlife held my attention, documentaries centred on rain forests were undoubtedly my favourites. The immense abundance of diversity and complex web of life that a rain forest supports enthralled and impressed me even at that early age. I read all of Gerald Durrell`s books and it would be true to say that he was probably my childhood hero.
I am the youngest of three children; I have a sister that is 12 years my senior and a brother 10 years older than I am. Neither of my siblings shared my fascination with nature, nor did my mother. My father however, was interested, and would take me out regularly pond dipping, or just walking mile after mile to satisfy my urge to be immersed in the natural world and learn more about her. By the age of 8 I had created my first pond in the small garden of our family home. More followed, and by the time that I was 10 there were common frogs and smooth newt colonies as well as a diverse population of aquatic invertebrates living their lives in the back garden.
Sepp Holzer is indeed right; children certainly do have special access to nature. I now understand that the amount of contact with nature that I had as a child, and the sheer wonder of discovery through my childhood observations of nature were part of a developing, deeper spiritual connection with the natural world that of course everyone of us is a part of. At this early stage of my life and perhaps with my conscious mind being unaware, I was predominately in the extreme idealist upper left of Wilber’s quadrant although interspersed scatterings of knowledge began to sprout on the scientific awareness side due to a combination of reading whatever literature that I could get my hands on about nature and listening intently to David Attenborough`s narratives (I could rattle off the scientific names of all indigenous and naturalised species of amphibian and reptile on mainland Britain at the age of nine) .
I would spend untold amounts of time lying on my tummy observing the hustle and bustle that is freshwater life. Five minutes spent lying still, and hidden life forms would emerge from the submerged vegetation, from under stones or from among the leaf litter at the pond bottom and I would be treated to a private display of animal behaviour and multi species interaction. I learnt the skill and pleasure of stillness. Nature has always been (and always will be) a great teacher for me, far more so than school (which I did not enjoy) and I soon began to develop an understanding of and respect for the intricacy of food webs. A healthy pond certainly does function as one integrated organism, a concept that I was familiar with as a small child. I began to keep domestic breeds of rabbit, and progressed to breeding them in an organized and productive manner considering my young age.
My mother was a very staunch Christian, a Jehovah’s Witness. From the very beginning, I found the thrice-weekly meetings mind numbingly boring. Also, even at a considerably early age, perhaps as young as 6, I did not believe it to be the truth. If my mother heard David Attenborough speaking of evolution, she would switch the television channel over. This seemingly controlling act did in fact aid me in thinking for myself. At so young an age, I had already subconsciously made a decision that the religious upbringing that I was in receipt of made little or no sense to me. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not baptized as babies as may be the case in many other branches of Christianity, rather the individual chooses when they are ready to do so themselves. However, being sheltered as much as possible from “Worldly associates” and having attended 5 hours of public bible study every week during the whole of one’s formative years, as well as joining in the “Field Ministry” (knocking on doors and preaching to the public) on a weekly basis and knowing little of life outside of the religion is certainly influential.
It is perhaps not surprising therefore that the majority of children raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses do indeed get baptized before they are perhaps sure that such a pathway is really for them and become a fully-fledged member of the congregation. It would also be true to say that a large proportion then go on to become disfellowshipped. To explain, disfellowshipping is what happened to a baptized individual that “sinned” and did not repent. An opportunity to repent was always given, which involved the act of “Public reproof”. A member of the congregation that “sinned” could repent, and was asked to stand up in front of the whole congregation (anything from 50 to 300 people) and was “Publicly reproved”. Anyone who was not prepared to go through this process was dis-fellowshipped. Once a person has been dis-fellowshipped, congregation members, even members that were biological family of the disfellowshipped person, were not permitted to speak to the dis-fellowshipped individual.
At this point in my Life Review I can perhaps reflect on how fortunate I have always thought myself to be the youngest of the three children. My sister succumbed to the continual pressure and went through the cycle of getting baptized, and then ultimately disfellowshipped. My brother also followed precisely the same path. I however did not. Perhaps being the youngest meant that I could watch and learn from my older siblings and be mindful, perhaps subconsciously, of how their heavily influenced choices affected their lives. I managed not to succumb to the mounting pressure and made the choice, (despite the ever increasing jackal* style and influence from my mother and congregation elders) to not get baptized. I have never been a Jehovah’s Witness; consequently I have not been dis-fellowshipped either! Part of the path that my siblings walked, the welcoming into the fold and the casting out “into the wilderness” (a quote that as a child I often heard used by Elders of the Jehovah’s Witness faith when describing the act of dis-fellowshipping) of course led to all manner of uncertainties and rash decisions in the early part of my sibling’s adult lives. Both my brother and sister married at a young age, and divorced at a young age too. At the time both divorces resulted in young children having to make sense of it all and deal with the confusion and heartache of their parents separating.
I did not enjoy school. Even then my perception was that we were being taught to pass an exam rather than broaden our understanding of a subject. I found the majority of the syllabus irrelevant to what I found interesting in life, and the culture of the majority of my peers in secondary education (football, pop music, fashion and disrespectful behaviour towards others apparently for the sake of it) depressed and alienated me further. The combination of the drudgery of my mother’s dogged pursuance of the Jehovah’s Witness faith at home and the largely negative experiences of school dictated that I was by and large an unhappy child; unhappy that was until I was able to wander looking for wildlife.
My father supported my interests and actively encouraged my love of nature. He was an attentive and interactive father. As well as being loving, kind and gentle, he understood and recognized my inborn love of everything wild and actively encouraged it. It was a bitter blow to me as a young boy of 11 therefore when my father was killed in a traffic accident.
Following the loss of my father, I immersed myself in nature whenever possible. I would regularly miss school and instead wandered the southern heaths and woodlands and so underwent a journey of experiential learning, discovering badger settes, fox earths, tracks and signs and also developing the skill of getting close to roe deer during daylight hours. I became adept at recognising likely habitat for specific species, and also at catching lizards, slow-worms and grass snakes. I was totally and utterly wed to the outdoors and felt the need to become more of a part of it. Animal behaviour intrigued me. The predator prey relationship fascinated me in particular. I became the proud owner of a ferret, much to the annoyance of my mother and set about the learning process of discovering how to catch wild rabbit using ferrets and purse nets. Ferreting trips were one long natural history lesson, and learning to skin, gut and cook the rabbits that I had successfully captured gave me a new confidence. So began a life long fascination and association with the polecat, (the ferret’s wild ancestor) one of the least known and most commonly misunderstood of the British mammalian carnivores. Until the present day, many of my closest friends call me polecat, polecat Pete or even Putorius, the species scientific name. At this time I also became interested in self-sufficiency and bought a book called “Part Time Farming” by Katy Thear.
I found my heartbroken mother’s reaction to the loss of my father, which partly involved her throwing herself further still into the Jehovah’s Witness faith, confusing. We became further segregated rather than integrated. Most of what I was doing seemingly caused my mother great anguish, and I became as fluent as my mother in jackal language.
Two influential people at this time of my life were my uncle and aunt, my father`s brother Jack and his wife Barbara. My mother and I visited them twice in Ohio, America. They kept a house cow, horses and a few sheep and grew a lot of their own produce. Jack took me fishing and I enjoyed the slice of “real life” that I experienced with him.
Not long after the second trip to my uncle`s place, my mother sold the house that we lived in and moved to rural West Wales, my mother’s reasoning being that it would be easier to segregate me from influential non-believers at this quieter, less populated area. I would be less distracted from the path that my mother wanted me to take in life, and with the passing of time I would embrace the Jehovah’s Witness faith. What in fact did happen was the total opposite. I now found that I could connect with nature on so many more levels at the new location.
I found peaceful and tranquil spots literally pulsing with invertebrate life. Becoming deeper ingrained in me the whole time through my experiential learning were the lessons learned through my observations of nature. It was plainly apparent to me that the greater variation or diversity of plant species that there were in a habitat, then the busier and more productive that ecosystem was. The plants and animals are integrally interconnected and provide one another with their needs as part of a multi functional support network. Eco-systemic support.
I sought the wildest places where there was the least likelihood of encountering humans and discovered windswept spots within exploring distance of home where I would experience the joy of wild bottle nosed dolphins, sometimes mothers and their calves, grey seals and harbour porpoises. I discovered colonies of viviparous lizards on the coastal paths and spent days, weeks, and months walking the habitat. I learnt the light step, so as not to send tremors through the earth and warn the basking reptiles of my approach. I learnt through experience and observation to scan the habitat prior to my shadow being cast over it, and to gently duck down when passing a basking reptile and so not disturb it with my shadow. I also learnt that a lizard disturbed from its basking spot would very soon return from cover, tasting the air with it’s tongue, and that if I made myself comfortable and sat still and silent whilst waiting, then I could observe the lizard going about it’s life in front of me. In this manner I have been privileged to observe first hand a multitude of behaviour such as opportunistic hunting, territorial disputes, (the degree of intensity of which would appear to be seasonal) mating and encounters and interaction with other species such as shrews. I began to recognise and differentiate between individuals, understand their territories and how they spent their day. I could fairly accurately predict whereabouts individuals would be at different times of day and who else might be accompanying them.
Now and again, I would discover sections of the habitat that I very quickly grew to love and feel a part of, destroyed through inappropriate habitat management. I could not understand or come to terms with why mankind seemed to constantly declare war with nature. Surely we were part of nature? Why the conflict?
I was soon keeping and breeding ferrets and I got myself a lurcher, which again caused my mother further anguish. The ferrets were kept at a local landowner’s smallholding, and in return, I kept the numbers of rats down for him with my ferrets. He showed me how to milk his goats and care for his pigs and poultry. Whenever he needed me to, I would milk the goats and tend to the other animals in his absence.
My attendance rate at school was even less than when living in Hampshire. I struggled with authority. I found the entire school experience completely uninspiring and other than displaying a talent for drawing in the art lessons (which invariably descended into chaos as I drew cartoons of teachers and pupils alike) I was baffled by the entire experience. Physical education, or rather the manner in which it was delivered, seemed entirely pointless to me. Team games and ball games I really could not see the point of. I wanted to be walking the cliffs discovering wildlife, climbing trees, running with my lurcher or rabbiting with the ferrets whether in woodland or on the Preseli mountains or even just tending to the goats and chickens on my friend’s small holding. It came as no surprise therefore when I left school early with few qualifications. Initially, I went straight into working as a labourer on building sites, and began to learn bricklaying. It was no longer realistic to live at home with my mother; I found an alternative home for my beloved lurcher and ferrets, and left home at the age of 15.
From as far back as I can remember, I have always been drawn to and fascinated by nature. Whilst very young and not of an age to be permitted to wander alone looking at nature itself, I would spend hour after hour drawing imaginary and panoramic habitat scenes and fill them with sketched interpretations of a diversity of animal and plant species. Amphibians and reptiles in particular held my attention, I read about them, spoke and asked constantly about them, sketched them and would sit transfixed from beginning to end of any episodes of “survival”, “The World About Us” or any of the David Attenborough television programmes. Although pretty much anything to do with wildlife held my attention, documentaries centred on rain forests were undoubtedly my favourites. The immense abundance of diversity and complex web of life that a rain forest supports enthralled and impressed me even at that early age. I read all of Gerald Durrell`s books and it would be true to say that he was probably my childhood hero.
I am the youngest of three children; I have a sister that is 12 years my senior and a brother 10 years older than I am. Neither of my siblings shared my fascination with nature, nor did my mother. My father however, was interested, and would take me out regularly pond dipping, or just walking mile after mile to satisfy my urge to be immersed in the natural world and learn more about her. By the age of 8 I had created my first pond in the small garden of our family home. More followed, and by the time that I was 10 there were common frogs and smooth newt colonies as well as a diverse population of aquatic invertebrates living their lives in the back garden.
Sepp Holzer is indeed right; children certainly do have special access to nature. I now understand that the amount of contact with nature that I had as a child, and the sheer wonder of discovery through my childhood observations of nature were part of a developing, deeper spiritual connection with the natural world that of course everyone of us is a part of. At this early stage of my life and perhaps with my conscious mind being unaware, I was predominately in the extreme idealist upper left of Wilber’s quadrant although interspersed scatterings of knowledge began to sprout on the scientific awareness side due to a combination of reading whatever literature that I could get my hands on about nature and listening intently to David Attenborough`s narratives (I could rattle off the scientific names of all indigenous and naturalised species of amphibian and reptile on mainland Britain at the age of nine) .
I would spend untold amounts of time lying on my tummy observing the hustle and bustle that is freshwater life. Five minutes spent lying still, and hidden life forms would emerge from the submerged vegetation, from under stones or from among the leaf litter at the pond bottom and I would be treated to a private display of animal behaviour and multi species interaction. I learnt the skill and pleasure of stillness. Nature has always been (and always will be) a great teacher for me, far more so than school (which I did not enjoy) and I soon began to develop an understanding of and respect for the intricacy of food webs. A healthy pond certainly does function as one integrated organism, a concept that I was familiar with as a small child. I began to keep domestic breeds of rabbit, and progressed to breeding them in an organized and productive manner considering my young age.
My mother was a very staunch Christian, a Jehovah’s Witness. From the very beginning, I found the thrice-weekly meetings mind numbingly boring. Also, even at a considerably early age, perhaps as young as 6, I did not believe it to be the truth. If my mother heard David Attenborough speaking of evolution, she would switch the television channel over. This seemingly controlling act did in fact aid me in thinking for myself. At so young an age, I had already subconsciously made a decision that the religious upbringing that I was in receipt of made little or no sense to me. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not baptized as babies as may be the case in many other branches of Christianity, rather the individual chooses when they are ready to do so themselves. However, being sheltered as much as possible from “Worldly associates” and having attended 5 hours of public bible study every week during the whole of one’s formative years, as well as joining in the “Field Ministry” (knocking on doors and preaching to the public) on a weekly basis and knowing little of life outside of the religion is certainly influential.
It is perhaps not surprising therefore that the majority of children raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses do indeed get baptized before they are perhaps sure that such a pathway is really for them and become a fully-fledged member of the congregation. It would also be true to say that a large proportion then go on to become disfellowshipped. To explain, disfellowshipping is what happened to a baptized individual that “sinned” and did not repent. An opportunity to repent was always given, which involved the act of “Public reproof”. A member of the congregation that “sinned” could repent, and was asked to stand up in front of the whole congregation (anything from 50 to 300 people) and was “Publicly reproved”. Anyone who was not prepared to go through this process was dis-fellowshipped. Once a person has been dis-fellowshipped, congregation members, even members that were biological family of the disfellowshipped person, were not permitted to speak to the dis-fellowshipped individual.
At this point in my Life Review I can perhaps reflect on how fortunate I have always thought myself to be the youngest of the three children. My sister succumbed to the continual pressure and went through the cycle of getting baptized, and then ultimately disfellowshipped. My brother also followed precisely the same path. I however did not. Perhaps being the youngest meant that I could watch and learn from my older siblings and be mindful, perhaps subconsciously, of how their heavily influenced choices affected their lives. I managed not to succumb to the mounting pressure and made the choice, (despite the ever increasing jackal* style and influence from my mother and congregation elders) to not get baptized. I have never been a Jehovah’s Witness; consequently I have not been dis-fellowshipped either! Part of the path that my siblings walked, the welcoming into the fold and the casting out “into the wilderness” (a quote that as a child I often heard used by Elders of the Jehovah’s Witness faith when describing the act of dis-fellowshipping) of course led to all manner of uncertainties and rash decisions in the early part of my sibling’s adult lives. Both my brother and sister married at a young age, and divorced at a young age too. At the time both divorces resulted in young children having to make sense of it all and deal with the confusion and heartache of their parents separating.
I did not enjoy school. Even then my perception was that we were being taught to pass an exam rather than broaden our understanding of a subject. I found the majority of the syllabus irrelevant to what I found interesting in life, and the culture of the majority of my peers in secondary education (football, pop music, fashion and disrespectful behaviour towards others apparently for the sake of it) depressed and alienated me further. The combination of the drudgery of my mother’s dogged pursuance of the Jehovah’s Witness faith at home and the largely negative experiences of school dictated that I was by and large an unhappy child; unhappy that was until I was able to wander looking for wildlife.
My father supported my interests and actively encouraged my love of nature. He was an attentive and interactive father. As well as being loving, kind and gentle, he understood and recognized my inborn love of everything wild and actively encouraged it. It was a bitter blow to me as a young boy of 11 therefore when my father was killed in a traffic accident.
Following the loss of my father, I immersed myself in nature whenever possible. I would regularly miss school and instead wandered the southern heaths and woodlands and so underwent a journey of experiential learning, discovering badger settes, fox earths, tracks and signs and also developing the skill of getting close to roe deer during daylight hours. I became adept at recognising likely habitat for specific species, and also at catching lizards, slow-worms and grass snakes. I was totally and utterly wed to the outdoors and felt the need to become more of a part of it. Animal behaviour intrigued me. The predator prey relationship fascinated me in particular. I became the proud owner of a ferret, much to the annoyance of my mother and set about the learning process of discovering how to catch wild rabbit using ferrets and purse nets. Ferreting trips were one long natural history lesson, and learning to skin, gut and cook the rabbits that I had successfully captured gave me a new confidence. So began a life long fascination and association with the polecat, (the ferret’s wild ancestor) one of the least known and most commonly misunderstood of the British mammalian carnivores. Until the present day, many of my closest friends call me polecat, polecat Pete or even Putorius, the species scientific name. At this time I also became interested in self-sufficiency and bought a book called “Part Time Farming” by Katy Thear.
I found my heartbroken mother’s reaction to the loss of my father, which partly involved her throwing herself further still into the Jehovah’s Witness faith, confusing. We became further segregated rather than integrated. Most of what I was doing seemingly caused my mother great anguish, and I became as fluent as my mother in jackal language.
Two influential people at this time of my life were my uncle and aunt, my father`s brother Jack and his wife Barbara. My mother and I visited them twice in Ohio, America. They kept a house cow, horses and a few sheep and grew a lot of their own produce. Jack took me fishing and I enjoyed the slice of “real life” that I experienced with him.
Not long after the second trip to my uncle`s place, my mother sold the house that we lived in and moved to rural West Wales, my mother’s reasoning being that it would be easier to segregate me from influential non-believers at this quieter, less populated area. I would be less distracted from the path that my mother wanted me to take in life, and with the passing of time I would embrace the Jehovah’s Witness faith. What in fact did happen was the total opposite. I now found that I could connect with nature on so many more levels at the new location.
I found peaceful and tranquil spots literally pulsing with invertebrate life. Becoming deeper ingrained in me the whole time through my experiential learning were the lessons learned through my observations of nature. It was plainly apparent to me that the greater variation or diversity of plant species that there were in a habitat, then the busier and more productive that ecosystem was. The plants and animals are integrally interconnected and provide one another with their needs as part of a multi functional support network. Eco-systemic support.
I sought the wildest places where there was the least likelihood of encountering humans and discovered windswept spots within exploring distance of home where I would experience the joy of wild bottle nosed dolphins, sometimes mothers and their calves, grey seals and harbour porpoises. I discovered colonies of viviparous lizards on the coastal paths and spent days, weeks, and months walking the habitat. I learnt the light step, so as not to send tremors through the earth and warn the basking reptiles of my approach. I learnt through experience and observation to scan the habitat prior to my shadow being cast over it, and to gently duck down when passing a basking reptile and so not disturb it with my shadow. I also learnt that a lizard disturbed from its basking spot would very soon return from cover, tasting the air with it’s tongue, and that if I made myself comfortable and sat still and silent whilst waiting, then I could observe the lizard going about it’s life in front of me. In this manner I have been privileged to observe first hand a multitude of behaviour such as opportunistic hunting, territorial disputes, (the degree of intensity of which would appear to be seasonal) mating and encounters and interaction with other species such as shrews. I began to recognise and differentiate between individuals, understand their territories and how they spent their day. I could fairly accurately predict whereabouts individuals would be at different times of day and who else might be accompanying them.
Now and again, I would discover sections of the habitat that I very quickly grew to love and feel a part of, destroyed through inappropriate habitat management. I could not understand or come to terms with why mankind seemed to constantly declare war with nature. Surely we were part of nature? Why the conflict?
I was soon keeping and breeding ferrets and I got myself a lurcher, which again caused my mother further anguish. The ferrets were kept at a local landowner’s smallholding, and in return, I kept the numbers of rats down for him with my ferrets. He showed me how to milk his goats and care for his pigs and poultry. Whenever he needed me to, I would milk the goats and tend to the other animals in his absence.
My attendance rate at school was even less than when living in Hampshire. I struggled with authority. I found the entire school experience completely uninspiring and other than displaying a talent for drawing in the art lessons (which invariably descended into chaos as I drew cartoons of teachers and pupils alike) I was baffled by the entire experience. Physical education, or rather the manner in which it was delivered, seemed entirely pointless to me. Team games and ball games I really could not see the point of. I wanted to be walking the cliffs discovering wildlife, climbing trees, running with my lurcher or rabbiting with the ferrets whether in woodland or on the Preseli mountains or even just tending to the goats and chickens on my friend’s small holding. It came as no surprise therefore when I left school early with few qualifications. Initially, I went straight into working as a labourer on building sites, and began to learn bricklaying. It was no longer realistic to live at home with my mother; I found an alternative home for my beloved lurcher and ferrets, and left home at the age of 15.
A new independence; Discovering and pushing edges
Snake spotting
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”
- Rumi
It was now that I entered a very different stage of my life journey. The sudden freedom from the prior constraints of my mother and her religious aspirations combined with the lack of any paternal mentoring presence certainly did little to soften my explosive teenage energy. So began a steep learning curve and I of course made many poor choices. My teenage years and early to mid twenties were an emotional roller coaster of trial and error and experimentation. My reaction to the sudden freedom from religion manifested itself in the form of anger and confusion, as the previously suppressed young man spiralled and rocketed out of control. I was angry with religion, I was angry with my mother and I was angry with anyone or anything that I perceived as attempting to control me, whether it was actually the case or not. I sought solace in music and youth sub-culture.
Eventually I met a girl that I respected, valued and admired. I worked hard at being able to provide the material stuff required to attain the house and home that we were conditioned to think necessary, and once again found myself living in southern England. For a while at least, a form of happiness existed and I once again kept poultry, grew some vegetables and spent time ferreting in the countryside and of course wandering and observing reptiles and other wildlife. I was of course far from fulfilled, and still possessed an underlying anger, which for the time being lay dormant. Around this time I also discovered that I had Native American ancestry.
My partner developed a debilitating illness and could no longer work. I cared for her but could not also work the hours necessary to keep the precariously financed home that we lived in afloat. It became apparent that the house would be repossessed, so we arranged for her parents to come and collect her and take her back home to rural Wales. I was to stay behind, tie up the loose ends of the house being repossessed and then follow. This didn’t happen and I sank into a manic-depressive state, all the while displaying extreme erratic energy that I was completely in denial of. At this point of my life I was 28 years of age and probably at my most troubled and least resilient. I spiralled downwards further, perhaps my only saving grace at the time being my love and appreciation of a diversity of music. My connection with nature was blurred through a haze of depression, drugs and alcohol. I sank deeper still into oblivion and at that point, must have been very unpleasant to be around. Just as it may have seemed that I was well and truly committed to being on life’s scrap heap, I somehow jerked myself out of it and headed back to the countryside of West Wales. I had caused hurt and anguish to others during this period, and had also made probably the most catastrophic mistakes of my lifetime to date also. It took a long time to be able to begin the process of forgiving and living with myself.
Throughout my time, I constantly declared that I did not intend to produce children. I considered from an early age that the world was not a place to bring a child into, that the earth’s natural resources were destined for complete exhaustion. I must have sounded like a stuck record, droning on about overpopulation of the human species. I had an incredibly negative viewpoint as far as the future of the human species was concerned. Deeper into this reasoning I was also doubting my own abilities as a potential father. I considered myself too irresponsible and unpredictable.
My life continued with long periods of living close to the land. Spending vast amounts of time out amidst nature. Hunting with dog and ferret, or just observing and being part of it all. These periods were interspersed with more than one chaotic phase of internal conflict and experimentation. I experienced some indescribable occurrences, some potentially dangerous, nearly all of them incurring unnecessary risk and far fewer being profound and inspirational. I also rubbed shoulders with some extreme characters. In fact I was probably perceived by many as just that myself; an extreme character. The abnormal, the misfit or the outcast fascinated me. I identified with such characters to some extent, but was perhaps subconsciously looking or perhaps feeling that I needed to do so. These two life path extremes continued alternately and at times even integrated. I found myself repeatedly in far from ideal situations, but developed a resourcefulness and adaptability which enabled me to survive remarkably unscathed. One friend played a significant role throughout the latest and most protracted phase of out and out risk taking and experimentation. Ned is ten years my senior and his entirely non-judgemental energy certainly aided me both in restoring my faith in humanity and preserving my sanity during the most challenging of times. His companionship and support in all of its many forms has been invaluable beyond measure.
I sustained an injury, a relic of my experimental periods of riskier living patterns, and whilst convalescing I began to volunteer for a conservation trust. Volunteering became my gateway into a career change and I very soon secured employment.
Escaping from the perceived confines of religion as a young man also resulted in my veering rebel like to the extreme opposite. I now had my science blinkers on. This viewpoint stayed with me for some time. I carried it with me through my work. Opportunities arose for me to integrate my life long interest in the conservation of amphibians and reptiles into my work. My work involved engaging sedentary individuals in the outdoors, and so I managed to include habitat restoration and creation into the schedule of activities. I secured funding for pond creation at various sites. I was particularly pleased when I convinced more than one allotment site that a wildlife pond on site with it’s surrounding terrestrial habitat also enhanced for wildlife would increase production due to the higher levels of invertebrates and thus more effective pollination and associated cycles in nature. Newts, frogs and toads also meant that an in-house team of truly organic pest regulators were on board to achieve an eco-systemic balance.
At this point in my life, I was in a personal relationship that had many impacts upon my life journey. Conditioning by the society that we live in, projection, anger and control were notable issues for both concerned. My true and loyal friend Ned again provided essential breathing space and respite when I needed it. I have learnt from this time, and am also grateful to two friends, Dan and his wife Amanda, for providing me with much needed access to space to think and breathe as well as love and support during this difficult and emotionally turbulent period. The long and protracted termination of the relationship ended eventually with peace, mutual recognition and friendship. Both of us learned from it. It left me dealing with a concoction of overall fatigue; experience gained and considerable debt but most importantly, experience gained in life. Practically, it left me with somewhat of a perceived millstone around my neck, namely a house in need of repair that I neither asked for or even wanted nor could realistically perceive as having a positive end outcome. This has in fact become one of my biggest challenges and turning a perceived negative around into a positive (problem = solution) will be a project for my diploma in permaculture design.
Around this time, I discarded my television set. It has never been replaced.
- Rumi
It was now that I entered a very different stage of my life journey. The sudden freedom from the prior constraints of my mother and her religious aspirations combined with the lack of any paternal mentoring presence certainly did little to soften my explosive teenage energy. So began a steep learning curve and I of course made many poor choices. My teenage years and early to mid twenties were an emotional roller coaster of trial and error and experimentation. My reaction to the sudden freedom from religion manifested itself in the form of anger and confusion, as the previously suppressed young man spiralled and rocketed out of control. I was angry with religion, I was angry with my mother and I was angry with anyone or anything that I perceived as attempting to control me, whether it was actually the case or not. I sought solace in music and youth sub-culture.
Eventually I met a girl that I respected, valued and admired. I worked hard at being able to provide the material stuff required to attain the house and home that we were conditioned to think necessary, and once again found myself living in southern England. For a while at least, a form of happiness existed and I once again kept poultry, grew some vegetables and spent time ferreting in the countryside and of course wandering and observing reptiles and other wildlife. I was of course far from fulfilled, and still possessed an underlying anger, which for the time being lay dormant. Around this time I also discovered that I had Native American ancestry.
My partner developed a debilitating illness and could no longer work. I cared for her but could not also work the hours necessary to keep the precariously financed home that we lived in afloat. It became apparent that the house would be repossessed, so we arranged for her parents to come and collect her and take her back home to rural Wales. I was to stay behind, tie up the loose ends of the house being repossessed and then follow. This didn’t happen and I sank into a manic-depressive state, all the while displaying extreme erratic energy that I was completely in denial of. At this point of my life I was 28 years of age and probably at my most troubled and least resilient. I spiralled downwards further, perhaps my only saving grace at the time being my love and appreciation of a diversity of music. My connection with nature was blurred through a haze of depression, drugs and alcohol. I sank deeper still into oblivion and at that point, must have been very unpleasant to be around. Just as it may have seemed that I was well and truly committed to being on life’s scrap heap, I somehow jerked myself out of it and headed back to the countryside of West Wales. I had caused hurt and anguish to others during this period, and had also made probably the most catastrophic mistakes of my lifetime to date also. It took a long time to be able to begin the process of forgiving and living with myself.
Throughout my time, I constantly declared that I did not intend to produce children. I considered from an early age that the world was not a place to bring a child into, that the earth’s natural resources were destined for complete exhaustion. I must have sounded like a stuck record, droning on about overpopulation of the human species. I had an incredibly negative viewpoint as far as the future of the human species was concerned. Deeper into this reasoning I was also doubting my own abilities as a potential father. I considered myself too irresponsible and unpredictable.
My life continued with long periods of living close to the land. Spending vast amounts of time out amidst nature. Hunting with dog and ferret, or just observing and being part of it all. These periods were interspersed with more than one chaotic phase of internal conflict and experimentation. I experienced some indescribable occurrences, some potentially dangerous, nearly all of them incurring unnecessary risk and far fewer being profound and inspirational. I also rubbed shoulders with some extreme characters. In fact I was probably perceived by many as just that myself; an extreme character. The abnormal, the misfit or the outcast fascinated me. I identified with such characters to some extent, but was perhaps subconsciously looking or perhaps feeling that I needed to do so. These two life path extremes continued alternately and at times even integrated. I found myself repeatedly in far from ideal situations, but developed a resourcefulness and adaptability which enabled me to survive remarkably unscathed. One friend played a significant role throughout the latest and most protracted phase of out and out risk taking and experimentation. Ned is ten years my senior and his entirely non-judgemental energy certainly aided me both in restoring my faith in humanity and preserving my sanity during the most challenging of times. His companionship and support in all of its many forms has been invaluable beyond measure.
I sustained an injury, a relic of my experimental periods of riskier living patterns, and whilst convalescing I began to volunteer for a conservation trust. Volunteering became my gateway into a career change and I very soon secured employment.
Escaping from the perceived confines of religion as a young man also resulted in my veering rebel like to the extreme opposite. I now had my science blinkers on. This viewpoint stayed with me for some time. I carried it with me through my work. Opportunities arose for me to integrate my life long interest in the conservation of amphibians and reptiles into my work. My work involved engaging sedentary individuals in the outdoors, and so I managed to include habitat restoration and creation into the schedule of activities. I secured funding for pond creation at various sites. I was particularly pleased when I convinced more than one allotment site that a wildlife pond on site with it’s surrounding terrestrial habitat also enhanced for wildlife would increase production due to the higher levels of invertebrates and thus more effective pollination and associated cycles in nature. Newts, frogs and toads also meant that an in-house team of truly organic pest regulators were on board to achieve an eco-systemic balance.
At this point in my life, I was in a personal relationship that had many impacts upon my life journey. Conditioning by the society that we live in, projection, anger and control were notable issues for both concerned. My true and loyal friend Ned again provided essential breathing space and respite when I needed it. I have learnt from this time, and am also grateful to two friends, Dan and his wife Amanda, for providing me with much needed access to space to think and breathe as well as love and support during this difficult and emotionally turbulent period. The long and protracted termination of the relationship ended eventually with peace, mutual recognition and friendship. Both of us learned from it. It left me dealing with a concoction of overall fatigue; experience gained and considerable debt but most importantly, experience gained in life. Practically, it left me with somewhat of a perceived millstone around my neck, namely a house in need of repair that I neither asked for or even wanted nor could realistically perceive as having a positive end outcome. This has in fact become one of my biggest challenges and turning a perceived negative around into a positive (problem = solution) will be a project for my diploma in permaculture design.
Around this time, I discarded my television set. It has never been replaced.
Recognising my conditioning; What is achievable.
“You cannot take the path until you become the path itself.”
- Buddha
I worked closely with the ecology department of a University and assisted in several behaviour studies, providing access to study sites and assisting with the logistics of handling snakes and teaching students how to recognise likely habitat and conduct visual searches for reptiles. I discovered that amphibians and reptiles were in desperate need of assistance and set about forming a constituted group. South and West Wales Amphibian and Reptile Group (SWWARG) were formed and I began to deliver training courses, speak at public events and raise awareness in general regarding the conservation of herpetofauna (amphibians and reptiles). SWWARG remains to this day a pro-active conservation group and continues to carry out a great deal of practical conservation work, mainly habitat management and creation as well as a good deal of awareness raising.
In 2009 I collected two awards at the Local Authority Environment awards, the green public sector category and the action for wildlife category. SWWARG continues to access funding from various sources and put on training events as well as continuing to carry out species surveys and habitat creation. Despite all this apparent success, I was disillusioned by the majority of acclaimed experts in the conservation world’s lack of passion, knowledge and understanding of their subjects.
I was very suspicious of the apparently ego and monetary driven agendas, and considered the segregated conservation sector to be massively inefficient. Information was jealously guarded and not shared which prevented good things from happening. I wanted to promote joined up thinking and information sharing, integration rather than segregation, and so bring about powerful and positive results for wildlife rather than the current “efforts” that were nothing other than futile no matter how hard I tried to find worth within them. At the beginning of my job working for a conservation trust, I had high hopes of learning from the various experts in their fields that I would be working alongside. Unfortunately, after an initial realisation period it was clear that apart from two individuals, everyone else was in fact learning from me. This was both a shock and a disappointment to me. I considered the potential for the first time of my possible role as a teacher, guide or mentor. I developed more respect for applied observational learning and in essence, returned to my long proven and trusted method of learning as a child, that of observing nature. I lost a considerable amount of respect for the restrictive, rigid and regimental teachings of pure science. Pure scientific learning suddenly was so limited in my perception, and a great deal of research seemed of little point to me with no obvious beneficiaries.
- Buddha
I worked closely with the ecology department of a University and assisted in several behaviour studies, providing access to study sites and assisting with the logistics of handling snakes and teaching students how to recognise likely habitat and conduct visual searches for reptiles. I discovered that amphibians and reptiles were in desperate need of assistance and set about forming a constituted group. South and West Wales Amphibian and Reptile Group (SWWARG) were formed and I began to deliver training courses, speak at public events and raise awareness in general regarding the conservation of herpetofauna (amphibians and reptiles). SWWARG remains to this day a pro-active conservation group and continues to carry out a great deal of practical conservation work, mainly habitat management and creation as well as a good deal of awareness raising.
In 2009 I collected two awards at the Local Authority Environment awards, the green public sector category and the action for wildlife category. SWWARG continues to access funding from various sources and put on training events as well as continuing to carry out species surveys and habitat creation. Despite all this apparent success, I was disillusioned by the majority of acclaimed experts in the conservation world’s lack of passion, knowledge and understanding of their subjects.
I was very suspicious of the apparently ego and monetary driven agendas, and considered the segregated conservation sector to be massively inefficient. Information was jealously guarded and not shared which prevented good things from happening. I wanted to promote joined up thinking and information sharing, integration rather than segregation, and so bring about powerful and positive results for wildlife rather than the current “efforts” that were nothing other than futile no matter how hard I tried to find worth within them. At the beginning of my job working for a conservation trust, I had high hopes of learning from the various experts in their fields that I would be working alongside. Unfortunately, after an initial realisation period it was clear that apart from two individuals, everyone else was in fact learning from me. This was both a shock and a disappointment to me. I considered the potential for the first time of my possible role as a teacher, guide or mentor. I developed more respect for applied observational learning and in essence, returned to my long proven and trusted method of learning as a child, that of observing nature. I lost a considerable amount of respect for the restrictive, rigid and regimental teachings of pure science. Pure scientific learning suddenly was so limited in my perception, and a great deal of research seemed of little point to me with no obvious beneficiaries.
Welcoming the healing process; Busting through conditioning, asking sacred questions.
With Seth, not long after he was born
"A person’s purpose is energetically inscribed in their bones and its actual translation into work should agree with the message engraved in these bones. The question is, what happens when what you do does not align with who you are? It means that you are likely to experience low self-worth, a lack of enthusiasm about what you are doing, and above all, a nagging sense of inner emptiness; In short, an identity crisis. Indigenous people recognize that when the individual does not remember, gradually it is the culture, the society, that forgets.”
- Malidoma Some.
I very subtly and subconsciously began to consider spiritual development; this has been a long time coming and will no doubt be an ongoing and interesting process. I first noticed the initial glimmers of acceptance, of allowing spirituality of any form to have the slightest opportunity to have a voice as I spent time researching my ancestors. As the research process unfolded, so my mind slowly began to open further. Once again, my trusted friend, Ned, provided the confirmation and reassurance (that I considered necessary at the time) that it was ok to do so.
The first life period described earlier in this document was born of religious conditioning, which constantly rubbished spirituality or even for that matter the recognition of spirituality of any perceived kind. The second life period also described previously was born of direct knee-jerk reactionary rebellion against the biblical “creation story” instilled in me during the religious upbringing period. Evolution and Darwinian theory occupied my mind constantly but from an entirely blinkered science-only viewpoint, and I am now able to question my agenda; a defiant gesture to disprove what which I resented; the prior perceived constraints of a strict religious upbringing. I was looking to apportion blame and to disprove and further rubbish something that I harboured contempt for with no potential beneficiaries even should my pointless mission be deemed successful.
Once again, an inordinate amount of time was spent listening to and reading about the rubbishing of spirituality of any kind. It is interesting for me to note that despite the fact that I was blatantly rebelling against the religious period, once again my viewpoint was blocked by extremism, this time extreme and blinkered close-minded-science-only thinking and consideration of all things remotely spiritual suffered yet again. Now, I have an almost overwhelmingly strong respect and fascination with genuinely spiritually developed people and communities. I have not experienced any personally, but know that they do live and function effectively elsewhere in the world, away from the conditioned conformities of western culture. I feel that Shamanism in particular draws me closer.
I met a wonderfully warm and compassionate woman full of a youthful exuberance and glowing with empathy and understanding for her fellow human kind. Not long after meeting Alex, I sustained a bite from an adder, Britain`s only venomous snake, and one of my life long totem animals. It was entirely my doing, and the experience was both fascinating and enlightening.
Within a very short time, Alex gave birth to a baby son. Synchronicity was everywhere and a wild family of polecats, another of my totem animals, decided to visit our garden the night that our son was due to be born. A great deal happened at once at this time, many paths seemed to meet and I discovered Permaculture, or Permanent culture. I have a great deal of de-conditioning to address, a mountain of unlearning to embark upon. Permaculture seemed to be calling me. It was coming at me from all angles. I was already practicing much of the general ethos of permaculture. Suddenly so much fitted together so well. Positive, practical and achievable solutions to a multitude of previously seemingly insurmountable problems presented themselves to me. I could foresee being able to finally be of true and genuine benefit in this world, and to be able to work towards leaving something of true value behind me for my son.
In June of 2011, I found myself in Norfolk for a Permaculture Design Course. Tired after a long journey, and struggling with it all! Initially feeling exposed, sleeping in a car with little or no perceived privacy, and battling with resistance, an urge to head back home as exhausted as I was, I curled up with my canine companion and went to sleep. In the morning I awoke, and the real journey began.
- Malidoma Some.
I very subtly and subconsciously began to consider spiritual development; this has been a long time coming and will no doubt be an ongoing and interesting process. I first noticed the initial glimmers of acceptance, of allowing spirituality of any form to have the slightest opportunity to have a voice as I spent time researching my ancestors. As the research process unfolded, so my mind slowly began to open further. Once again, my trusted friend, Ned, provided the confirmation and reassurance (that I considered necessary at the time) that it was ok to do so.
The first life period described earlier in this document was born of religious conditioning, which constantly rubbished spirituality or even for that matter the recognition of spirituality of any perceived kind. The second life period also described previously was born of direct knee-jerk reactionary rebellion against the biblical “creation story” instilled in me during the religious upbringing period. Evolution and Darwinian theory occupied my mind constantly but from an entirely blinkered science-only viewpoint, and I am now able to question my agenda; a defiant gesture to disprove what which I resented; the prior perceived constraints of a strict religious upbringing. I was looking to apportion blame and to disprove and further rubbish something that I harboured contempt for with no potential beneficiaries even should my pointless mission be deemed successful.
Once again, an inordinate amount of time was spent listening to and reading about the rubbishing of spirituality of any kind. It is interesting for me to note that despite the fact that I was blatantly rebelling against the religious period, once again my viewpoint was blocked by extremism, this time extreme and blinkered close-minded-science-only thinking and consideration of all things remotely spiritual suffered yet again. Now, I have an almost overwhelmingly strong respect and fascination with genuinely spiritually developed people and communities. I have not experienced any personally, but know that they do live and function effectively elsewhere in the world, away from the conditioned conformities of western culture. I feel that Shamanism in particular draws me closer.
I met a wonderfully warm and compassionate woman full of a youthful exuberance and glowing with empathy and understanding for her fellow human kind. Not long after meeting Alex, I sustained a bite from an adder, Britain`s only venomous snake, and one of my life long totem animals. It was entirely my doing, and the experience was both fascinating and enlightening.
Within a very short time, Alex gave birth to a baby son. Synchronicity was everywhere and a wild family of polecats, another of my totem animals, decided to visit our garden the night that our son was due to be born. A great deal happened at once at this time, many paths seemed to meet and I discovered Permaculture, or Permanent culture. I have a great deal of de-conditioning to address, a mountain of unlearning to embark upon. Permaculture seemed to be calling me. It was coming at me from all angles. I was already practicing much of the general ethos of permaculture. Suddenly so much fitted together so well. Positive, practical and achievable solutions to a multitude of previously seemingly insurmountable problems presented themselves to me. I could foresee being able to finally be of true and genuine benefit in this world, and to be able to work towards leaving something of true value behind me for my son.
In June of 2011, I found myself in Norfolk for a Permaculture Design Course. Tired after a long journey, and struggling with it all! Initially feeling exposed, sleeping in a car with little or no perceived privacy, and battling with resistance, an urge to head back home as exhausted as I was, I curled up with my canine companion and went to sleep. In the morning I awoke, and the real journey began.
* Jackal refers to terminology used in Non Violent Communication, (NVC) a communication methodology that considers the needs and feelings of speaker and spoken to.
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“It’s good to have an end to journey towards; but it’s the journey that matters, in the end.”
- Ursula La Guin
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- Ursula La Guin
Back to top of page? or go to next element of Diploma output 1, my Action Learning Pathway.